Introduction
When practicing a 12-step program, attending meetings is crucial. These 12-Step meetings provide a support network, guidance, and a sense of community. Whether you’re struggling with something recovery related or dealing with another issue, meetings can be a lifeline. Practicing Stoic principles while engaging with others and participating in meetings can significantly enhance the value you get from the meetings and by extension, your sobriety.
A core theme throughout stoicism is what they termed the “Dichotomy of Control.” It is the idea that we can only control our own thoughts, actions, and attitudes, while external events and other people’s actions are beyond our control. This principle is highlighted in the writings of Epictetus, particularly in his work “Enchiridion” (or “The Manual”). Understanding and accepting this dichotomy is seen as a key to achieving inner peace and resilience and can make a huge difference in your mental health if you struggle in meetings.
Benefits of Attending 12-Step Meetings
First, I will touch on the benefits of attending meetings for those in recovery. 12-Step meetings are FREE and always will be. If you have a few dollars to donate at a meeting, to help with the meeting expenses, that is great but not required. 12-Step programs do not encourage attendance to make money or push certain agendas.
The meeting is there for all of us whether we are receiving or providing value on any given day. I am sure there are more but here is a good starting list of benefits a recovering person can realize by going to a meeting.
Opportunity to Build a Support Network
One of the biggest benefits of attending meetings is the chance to build a support network. In a 12-step program, you’re not alone. AA is self-described as a Fellowship. The Cambridge English Dictionary defines fellowship as a friendly feeling that exists between people who have a shared interest or are doing something as a group.
At the beginning of Chapter 2 of the Big Book the fellowship is described like this “We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain’s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship’s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways.” That makes for a powerful support network.
Whether we make connections to people that we only see at meetings, get a phone list and call folks between meetings, or make friendships that go beyond meeting attendance, there are people who want to help and people we can help by forming relationships. Even with one day of sobriety, you have something to offer another seeking to improve their recovery.
Friendships that extend outside of 12-Step meetings became crucial for me. As I traded in my drinking buddies for sobriety, I was literally left with no friends. My whole social network had been fellow partiers. It took a while, as I tend to keep to myself, but eventually I developed new, healthy friendships.
My core group of friends met to study AA literature, took camping trips together, attended weekend recovery events and we were always there for each other. Building these positive relationships can were a critical part of my support network. I formed such a strong bond through the fellowship that the best man in my first marriage was a friend I met there.
Shared Experiences
In 12-Step meetings, you will encounter people with shared or comparable experiences in their own journey. Sharing stories and struggles with people who understand can be very comforting. Seneca notes “There is nothing in the world so much admired as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage, and poverty with cheerfulness. But it is also wise to seek the support of friends to bear our burdens more easily.” While stoicism may seem to focus quite a bit on self-reliance and accountability for oneself, they would also have agreed with Thomas Merton who said, “No Man is an Island.”
These shared experiences become valuable as others, not in recovery, but still in your support circle, may not fully get what we’re going through and struggle to support us in a productive manner. Feeling understood can reduce feelings of isolation and increase our sense of belonging. This can make a huge difference in how we feel about our journey.
Full disclosure, not everyone feels understood or has a sense of belonging in 12-Step meetings. Later in the article, as I go over my meeting mindset, there are some ideas on how to bridge this gap.
Readily Available Support Network
Life can be unpredictable and sometimes we need extra help. Regularly attending meetings means we have a place to turn when things get tough. If we’re having a bad day or facing a difficult situation, we can go to a meeting and get support. This immediate access to help can prevent setbacks and keep us moving forward.
In most areas we will find meetings at all different times of the day. Even if it is not close, there may be one within an hour’s drive. If we balk at driving an hour to a 12-step meeting and an hour back, think back on the time we spent in active addiction creating misery. As The Big Book tells us on page 58, “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.” Getting to meetings, even when not convenient, qualifies as “any lengths.”
The 12-Step Meetings House Experience and Wisdom
Most meetings will have a group of attendees with a diverse set of experiences in recovery. As you will see later in the article, I am a huge proponent of believing everyone has something they can teach us. Why do I care about others experiences? I look to Warren Buffet for the answer when he said “It’s good to learn from your mistakes. It’s better to learn from other people’s mistakes.”
You may hear the term “stick with the winners” in 12-step meetings. For me that does not always mean those with the longest length of sobriety. It means they have sustained sobriety and achieved something I aspire to in my own recovery. This can be someone with less sobriety time for me that has mastered a certain aspect of life.
For example, maybe a person has made great strides in repairing family relationships, healing with their children, or renewing commitments to improving their marriage. If this is an area I personally struggle with, having this person in my life can have a positive impact and hopefully, I can help with areas in their sobriety as well. On the other hand, there have been others with more sobriety than me where they had nothing going on in their lives that appealed to me.
12-Step Meetings Promote Accountability
Another benefit is that meetings help us stay accountable. When we regularly attend 12-Step meetings, we’re making a commitment to our recovery. This routine helps is an easy way to stay on track. Knowing that others expect you to show up can motivate us to keep going, even when things get tough.
In AA the recommendation for newcomers is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. By following this recommendation, the newcomer taps into the power of accountability as they immerse themselves in the program, start building their support network and start developing the coping skills to live life of life’s terms.
If I wake up today knowing I am going to a meeting tonight, it can act as an extra measure against relapse. Throughout the day, I may think about what the topic might be or who may be there rather than thinking about drinking or using.
Also, showing up IS enough. I went to my 90 in 90 and probably went another month or so before I began making small contributions to the meeting. Outside of the obligatory introduction of myself, getting tokens and reading out loud in study meetings, I only listened for a long time. As my sobriety grew in length and quality, I started sharing more and became more and more comfortable doing so.
Hope and Inspiration
Sometimes we just need a shot of hope and inspiration. Recovery can be a long and difficult journey where it’s hard to always stay hopeful. 12-Step meetings are a place where we can find hope and inspiration. Hearing shared stories of success and seeing others who have made it through tough times can show us there is a way through. One of my favorite quotes ever comes from a man that had to follow his own advice for a long time. Winston Churchill wisely said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” In other words, do not give up during hard times.
Even stories of relapse can be informative and inspirational if we look at the situation from a learning point of view. For example, someone has relapsed but came back to a meeting and shared about it. This is a great indicator that there must be something in the program that is better than drinking. Seneca tells us “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage” and that is rarely clearer than when a person with addiction issues relapse and return because they want to live.
This person just delivered a valuable lesson to all of us without us having to experience it. It is the extremely rare person that shares about a relapse with anything other than regret in their message. Another example may be, based on their story, it sounds like they did not take seriously the advice to change people, places, and things. I can this as a reminder to double check my own commitment and ask myself, am I taking this part of the program seriously and protecting my sobriety?
Reinforcement of the 12-steps
There is no lack of scientific evidence that repeated exposure to something, good or bad, will have a profound impact on human beings and animals alike. Zig Ziglar, the motivational icon, summed it up nicely saying “Repetition is the mother of learning, the father of action, which makes it the architect of accomplishment.” How is that for an indirect endorsement of 90 meetings in 90 days?
The 12 steps are the core of the program, and meetings help reinforce them. By attending 12-Step meetings, we regularly review, reference and discuss the steps. This repetition helps us internalize them and apply them to our lives. The more we engage with the steps, the more effective they can be in our recovery.
If you have not already, I highly recommend trying a Big Book and 12 Steps and 12 Traditions study meeting. I have found these to be extremely useful as they are very focused, and I get to do deeper dives with other participants on what the program more holistically.
Working the 12th Step
One of the fundamental principles of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is the concept of giving back, which is enshrined in the Twelfth Step: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” This principle underscores the importance of service and the reciprocal nature of recovery.
By sharing their experiences, strengths, and hopes with others, members who are further along in their recovery journey can offer invaluable support to newcomers. This act of giving back fosters a sense of purpose and fulfillment, reinforcing the sobriety of the person offering help while providing essential guidance and encouragement to those just starting their path to recovery.
Many famous quotes exist about serving others and certain special people like Mother Theresa and Albert Schweitzer dedicated their lives serving others. There is incredible power in removing the focus from myself and focusing it on helping others. Gandhi knew this as he said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
Giving back is not merely an act of altruism; it is a critical component of the recovery process that helps members stay sober and strengthens the entire AA community. By giving back, participants also receive important benefits to bolster their recovery. As Seneca notes “Men learn as they teach. By teaching, you will gain more knowledge and strength, and by seeking support, you build a strong foundation of trust and community.”
Criticism of 12-step meetings
While 12-step programs have helped many people, they aren’t without their criticisms. Below I outline my own personal meeting mindset and thought processes and that have helped me overcome some of the most common complaints people have about 12-step meetings.
While things are said and done in 12-step meetings that make people uncomfortable, I have rarely seen situations where a participant was completely out of line and the meeting chairperson had to address them. We are all human and some are going through extremely difficult times. Put any group of diverse people together and these issues arise.
To be clear, I am not defending AA or any participants or their behaviors in my observations below. My focus here is “I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY SOBRIETY” and conversely so are you. We can refer back to the Dichotomy of Control above. I can control myself only and I personally view it as my duty to myself and others to continually work on my own shortcomings. Nothing happening external to me such as people being judgmental, arrogant or abrasive can keep me from taking something positive away from a meeting.
So here are my own personal mindset “rules” I use when attending meetings:
We are all human
I will start this off with one of my favorite Marcus Aurelius quotes “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.”
In addition to those who chronically fall under the quote above, being human means experiencing a vast spectrum of emotions daily, each reflecting the complexity and depth of our inner lives. From joy and excitement to sadness and frustration, our emotional landscape is a dynamic and ever-changing terrain.
I can view it as a good opportunity to practice empathy when people are struggling and maybe acting out their emotions in slightly off-putting ways. Rather than being offended or defensive, I might consider that they are really struggling and maybe do not have to tools to deal appropriately with their struggles. By keeping this in mind, I can focus on what value I can gain from 12-step meetings rather than getting frustrated with individuals.
We tend to be an emotionally immature lot, and some say our emotional maturity was stunted when our addictions took hold of us. In “The Family Afterward” (p 127) in the Big Book there is a section about the alcoholic entering recovery. “Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery, a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into frantic activity which is to compensate for years of inactivity, or he may be so enthralled by his newfound freedom that he makes the rounds of his new friends or enjoys the ecstasies of finding himself again. Some go on, after a time, to quiet the nerves and calm the brain. But some find their emotional growth halted.”
It is this lack of emotional growth that I can take into consideration and view people with empathy rather than judging them. There is enough judgement going on in the world and I choose not to take that mindset into a meeting where there are sick people, like me, that need help and guidance.
Along the lines of withholding judgement, we do not know what other people are going through and vice versa. I always strive to not draw a superficial conclusion about a situation. If I really care about what someone said or their off-putting behavior in a meeting, I approach them afterwards and start a conversation. They may be struggling and will open up or maybe not.
This story from Stephen Covey’s “& Habits of Highly Effective People” book drives this observation home for me.
“I remember a mini paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly – some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.
Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed. The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing.
And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing. It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”
The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what do think, and I guess they don’t know who to handle it either.”
Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.”
We do not have to agree with everything
Marcus Aurelius put a fine point on this stating “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” We all have our unique opinions and perspective or lenses that we view life through. We are different people with different upbringings, life experiences and approaches to dealing with life. If we all agreed, it would be a cult not a fellowship!
All this diversity is truly a benefit of being in a fellowship as we get all kinds of different opinions, thoughts, and ideas that we can sort through and see what works for us individually! You can literally leave any advice, snarky comments, or anything else that does not work for you at the door when you leave.
Let there be room for disagreement in 12-step meetings without shutting ourselves off or rejecting the whole scene. Disagreement is healthy and largely unavoidable for us. If you struggle with this, it is fine, you have just identified a character defect that could use some work. Winning!
Everyone has something to teach us
We will find people in the rooms that we relate to and their shared message reaches us. On the other hand, we will find those who are judgmental, arrogant, mean or just overall negative. We may ask ourselves, “What could I possibly learn from these people?”
For one, if the person is completely off-putting, you can view them as an Anti-Role Model. An anti-role model is someone whose actions or lifestyle choices are seen as undesirable. Observing an anti-role model helps people understand the adverse outcomes of certain behaviors and motivates them to take a different path. I can observe their behaviors, decide I do not want to act like that and adjust accordingly. This has been invaluable in my sobriety and my career. I am a significantly better leader because of having a few anti-role model bosses.
Secondly, I can stay open and not simply focus on the tone or language in the delivery of the message. It is important to stay open-minded in 12-step meetings as some of the greatest gifts I have received have come from the most unlikely places. Seneca leads by example stating “If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, which harms no one. The person who is deceived or ignorant is not harmed either.”
Our first reaction may be to dismiss the whole message and person but there may be something true in their message and they just do not know how to express it in a positive or constructive way. Some of the most negative people may believe they are being helpful and there is a good possibility that other newcomers may have a similar general grumpy demeanor that can relate to these people and get sober as a result. May not be the kind of sobriety I want but it is better than drinking for that person.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FEELINGS
This is a BIG one and please hear me out and ponder the message here before dismissing it. I had to learn this the hard way myself and believe that in society in general, and in meetings in particular, people do not recognize the importance and power of owning our own feelings. Marcus Aurelius hits the point here noting “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
People cannot make me feel! This rings true inside and outside of 12-step meetings. Others words or actions may trigger an initial response but after that initial trigger and internal response, I have the power to choose how I feel about what just happened and act from a place of self-reflection vs pure emotion.
Yes, my initial trigger emotion may be anger but if I pause and reflect I may see that it was really hurt and not anger. At this point, I can choose to have a conversation with the person about a hurtful comment or I may recognize that I am extra sensitive to some comments and work on being less impacted when they occur.
Emotions can be extremely overwhelming and difficult to manage. If I take a second and step back and think about what damage emotions can do to me, it becomes clear they are powerful in one sense and powerless in another. I have never been assaulted physically by my emotions, all by themselves. They pose no threat other than to drive me crazy if I choose to let them run wild. My emotions only become dangerous to myself and others if I act out them.
My boss may make me angry and if I do not pause and react hastily, I may tell them to take this job and shove it! Once the situation has passed and I am carrying my belongings out to my car it might dawn on me that I have a mortgage payment coming up and maybe what the boss did or said was not so bad.
Or maybe I get angry with my spouse or children and lash out at them verbally in a way that I will later regret. Our emotions are not dangerous, they simply are. It is our response to the influence of emotions that can be dangerous.
An example, that may occur in a 12-step meeting, could be me sharing that I just relapsed and am back to start over. Some old curmudgeon in the back says, well you obviously didn’t want it enough to get clean and you have no hope until you do. Depending on my personality, this may make me angry, or I may initially feel deep shame and rejection. Rather than reacting to those initial triggers I may look at it and see that although he was kind of a jerk about it, there is probably some truth in his message.
What do I do with these triggers, especially if I am hurt or angered? First, I strive not to respond until I have had a chance to process the situation. We are blessed to have been given a moment between trigger and response. We want to take advantage of that moment so our response is not in retaliation that may cause us grief later. I am not claiming this is easy to do. Luckily, many of us are presented with a lot of opportunities in life to work on this!
Secondly, I ask myself “why did that trigger me?” Am I overly sensitive to criticism? Is this something I already know but hate when other people point it out? Is it true? If I cannot figure it out on my own, I will talk to my sponsor, another person, or a therapist to help me figure it out.
When people trigger me, they are giving me the gift of an opportunity to grow in my own understanding of myself, address issues so they are no longer triggers and pass on what I have learned to others. There are plenty of these gifts offered in 12-step meetings if we stay present, really listen and not make decisions or judgements based on our first reactions.
To drive this home is the story of the ancient stoic philosopher Cato. A version of the story goes like this: One day, a person struck Epictetus, and when someone asked him about the incident, he replied, “I was not hit.” By this, Epictetus meant that while his body might have been struck, his inner self—his mind and character—remained untouched. This response reflects the Stoic ideal of maintaining tranquility and not allowing external events to disturb one’s inner peace. We control how we feel and respond to situations.
Religion and/or Spirituality is defined by me
It is clear in AA literature that one’s higher power is of their own choosing and definition. That. Is. it. Period. No one can force a religion, philosophy, or higher power of their understanding on me. I get to choose my own.
I have heard and read countless complaints and concerns that the program is too focused on a specific type of spirituality that doesn’t align with a person’s own beliefs, so the program is not for them. I certainly have the right to reject the program on this basis but if I do I am doing it out of ignorance of what the program really teaches.
We are talking about 12-step meetings with humans attending the meetings, not the program itself. Some may be zealots and see a meeting as a platform to provide testimony to their own beliefs. I am not going to say it is wrong to share these things as they are all about “sharing our experiences.” If you struggle with this type of person, please re-read the sections on – we do not have to agree with everything, and everyone has something to teach us above as they really apply here.
Paradigm shift opportunity here! So, Betty is going on and on about how Christ or Buddha has saved her life and that they are the answer to everyone’s spiritual needs. First, that is her opinion that she is free to express it. Second, take Christ or Buddha out of everything she is saying and replace it with “higher power.” So, she is now saying that a higher power (as she defined hers) has been critical to saving her life. It is a testimony that working the program in her own life has been successful and she is sharing that experience in the context of her own higher power.
That is ok, right? If her opinions or approach to sharing her experiences rubs me wrong, there is something about me, not her, that needs addressed. I can only control me.
Anyone is free to reject the program for any reason. For me it comes down to this, if am suffering from an addiction, want a way out and choose a 12-Step program to seek relief, then I am choosing to work within that program. In this case, the program includes discussion about religions, spirituality, and higher powers.
The Program is Rigid and Inflexible
Some participants find the 12-step approach to be too rigid and inflexible. They note the program follows a specific set of steps and principles, and there is often little room for deviation. This can be difficult for individuals who feel that their personal recovery journey doesn’t fit neatly within the program’s framework.
In truth, there are rigid and inflexible aspects built into the program; however, brilliantly hidden within this structure is quite a bit of flexibility. For example, if I look at steps two and twelve, they prescribe what I need to do but not how I have to do it. Defining a higher power or choosing ways I can be of service have dozens, if not hundreds, of different ways they can be fulfilled.
I think it is important to keep things in perspective here as there are many things in life that are rigid and inflexible but still have value to us. While there are no absolutes, those of us who are not self employed or living a a different lifestyle, we have to show up for work and do our jobs and we benefit by getting paid. Also, most sane people largely follow traffic laws as not following them may result in death, injury or suspension of driving privileges.
One last example might be dieting. If I am truly committed to losing weight and have chosen a specific diet, I am going to follow the guidelines of that diet I have chosen to try to achieve the results I want. I am not going to substitute cake and cookies for fruits and vegetables because they are more satisfying to the taste buds. Losing weight is more important to me than eating whatever I want.
How important is sobriety to me? Is it important enough for me to develop my own thought processes and coping mechanisms to accept some imperfection to find relief from my addiction?
I will return to the earlier quote from The Big Book (page 58), “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.” We receive feedback in 12-step meetings that are typically about working the program and some folks are more zealous about the amount of rigor they apply to portions of the program. The is room in different aspects of the program to make it our own. I do not have to walk the exact footsteps as long as I stay on the path.
Dealing with Relapse Stigma
Relapse can often be viewed negatively within 12-step meetings. While the program emphasizes that relapse is a part of recovery, some participants feel judged or stigmatized when they relapse. Regarding relapse, there are opinions across the board, and they are just that – opinions. A reread of being responsible for our own feelings above may be useful if you are especially sensitive to people’s reactions to a relapse.
Ask yourself some questions, why does what they are saying bother me? Is it because what they are saying is true and I do not want to accept it? Is it because what they are saying is wrong and I feel like I need to defend myself (hint: you don’t have to defend yourself). Are there other reasons it unsettles me? At the end of the day, remember that we can take what we need and leave the rest at the door,
Conclusion
While 12-step meetings have helped countless individuals on their journey to recovery, they are not without their flaws. One of the huge benefits we have today is an abundance of meeting options to find ones that we might most benefit from. In the USA, in 2018, there were over 61,000 12-step meetings available, and that number has grown with the online growth of meetings spurred by the pandemic.
It is not wrong to not attend meetings because they do not “fit.” Maybe a 12-step meeting is full of crotchety old timers or there is a significant generational gap in attendees. While I stick to my point above that everyone can teach us something, there might be a better fit and there is nothing wrong with seeking it out. Not being able to find good 12-step meetings today seems improbable.
It’s important for individuals to find the recovery approach that works best for them, and for some, this may mean seeking alternatives to the traditional 12-step program. That said, I would encourage talking to someone in the program that you relate to or a therapist to help sort through the reasons a 12-step program is not a good fit. If nothing else by understanding why it wouldn’t work it may help in seeking alternatives that do not have similar approaches.
Going to meetings is an absolute critical component of anyone practicing a 12-step program to recover from substance abuse. Spend your energy making meetings work and using the support network to help strengthen your recovery instead of seeking to control or criticize it.
Resources
Written By Tony Harte
