Introduction
Grieving due to loss is a universal experience we encounter at some point in our lives. However, for those in recovery from substance abuse, dealing with these emotions can be particularly challenging. Turning to substances to numb the pain of grief might seem like a quick fix, but it only leads to more problems in the long run. This article is designed to help you understand grief and how to cope with grieving and loss in a healthy way, without relying on substances.
The Stoics, ancient philosophers like Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius, had profound insights on grief and loss. They viewed these experiences as natural parts of life and believed that how we respond to them shapes our character and well-being. Seneca teaches us “You may call this a ‘tragic’ event, but we all must endure it, and it happens to everyone. It is only our vain opinion that makes it appear tragic.”
Understanding Loss and Grief
What is Loss?
Loss can come in many forms. It might be the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, losing a job, or even losing a sense of identity or purpose. Each type of loss can trigger strong emotions and affect your mental and emotional well-being. Finding oneself currently without something they had a cherished attachment to is the essence of loss.
Stoics often reflected on the impermanence of life to prepare themselves for loss. They taught that everything we have is temporary and should be appreciated while it lasts. Epictetus reminds us “What you love is mortal; what you have is not your own; it is given to you for the moment, not forever.”
What is Grief?
Grief or grieving is the natural response to loss. It’s a complex process that involves various emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief. Grief isn’t something that you get over; it’s something you go through. There is a grieving process that needs to take place.
Understanding the stages of grieving can help us be patient with ourselves as we navigate your feelings. It is commonly known that there are five stages of grief. Being able to identify where one is in this process can help to identify coping mechanisms that allows them to work through the process.
Again, for those in recovery, going through the grieving process is full of opportunities that can trigger a relapse. Awareness of our thoughts and feelings throughout the process can help protect our sobriety.
The Stages of Grieving
Grieving is often described in stages, which can help us better understand what we’re going through. The stages of grieving are not linear, and you might experience them in different orders or revisit them multiple times. Everyone grieves differently and it is important to practice self-compassion regularly throughout the process. Understanding each stage of grief and being able to identify where one can be critical for maintaining sobriety. Four of the five stages of grieving can contain significant triggers for relapse. Dealing with loss by relapsing will only make things worse in the long run and will likely extend many or all the phases as we are avoiding them by drinking rather than going through the process. The only way out is through.
Denial: Denial is often the initial reaction to a significant loss, where the reality of the situation feels too overwhelming to accept. During this stage, individuals might experience numbness or shock, refusing to believe the loss has occurred. This denial acts as a temporary defense mechanism, allowing them to gradually process the grief. It’s common to feel disconnected from reality, as if living in a dream.
While denial can provide some initial relief, it is important to eventually confront the loss to move forward in the grieving process and begin healing. This denial is not dissimilar to what many in recovery had to overcome to take the first step in a 12-step program.
Anger: As the denial fades, one might feel angry. This anger can be directed at oneself, others, or even the person or situation ending in loss. The anger stage of grieving is marked by intense frustration and resentment. This anger can stem from feelings of helplessness and injustice, as one grapples with the reality of their loss. It’s common to question “Why me?” or “How could this happen?”
Anger serves as an emotional outlet, providing a way to release the built-up tension and pain. Acknowledging and expressing this anger is crucial, as it helps individuals process their grief and move toward healing and acceptance. While it is necessary to feel the anger and go through the process, we do not have to act on the feelings in a way that may be harmful to ourselves or others.
This is also an attempt to regain a sense of control in the midst of chaos and helplessness. While it can provide temporary comfort, it’s an essential part of processing grief and eventually moving toward acceptance. While one does need to go through the process it is important to put things in the right perspective eventually. Marcus Aurelius reminds us “The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”
The Stoics believed in focusing on what is within our control—our reactions and attitudes—rather than external events. They taught that we cannot control the loss itself, but we can control how we respond to it. As Epictetus noted “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Depression: Deep sadness and regret are common in this stage. We individuals may feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and detached from everyday activities. Additionally, one might withdraw from activities and people they usually enjoy. This depression is a natural response to the reality of the loss setting in and can involve crying, sleep disturbances, and a loss of appetite.
It’s a time of reflection on what has been lost, leading to feelings of emptiness and despair. Although painful, this stage is essential for processing grief. It allows individuals to confront their emotions fully, paving the way for eventual acceptance and the possibility of finding a new normal. Practicing the AA slogan “One Day At A Time” can be especially useful during this time.
Acceptance: This doesn’t mean one is okay with the loss, but they begin to find a way to live with it. The acceptance phase of grief brings a sense of peace and understanding regarding the loss. In this stage, individuals come to terms with the reality of their situation, recognizing that while life will never be the same, it can still hold meaning and joy.
The Big Book reminds us on page 417, “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
How to Cope with Grieving and Loss in Recovery
There are many ways to get through a significant loss without relapsing. The first and most important thing to do is to simply not pick up that first drink. Do whatever it takes to avoid taking that action. As noted before, long term, relapse will only make things worse. I have never met a person that returned to the fellowship that the relapse improved their lives in any way.
Beyond not taking the first drink, staying connected is very important. As noted, in the depression stage, there may be a strong desire to isolate from their support system. Some are fortunate enough to have a support system that reaches out and encourages them not to isolate. On the other hand, others do not have this type of support system and must pull themselves up by the bootstraps and initiate the connection with others.
There are a number of things we can do to engage in healthy grieving.
Meetings are absolutely critical to maintain sobriety and they take on extra importance if we are dealing with a significant loss. Everyone experiences loss in their lives and there are likely people in any given meeting that have worked through loss sober. This is a great time to raise one’s hand, bring up the topic and share what one is going through.
This way we can get direct feedback on coping strategies and practical advice from others who have navigated similar experiences. These shared insights can be invaluable for managing grief without turning to alcohol. Meetings are a safe environment where we can openly express our feelings without judgment. This is vital for processing grief, as bottling up emotions can lead to relapse.
Another healing activity is to jump into serving others. In the program, offering to chair, help setup or tear down a meeting can get us out of ourselves and focus on being of service to others. Any service to others such as working at food banks or any other charitable work can be a powerful coping mechanism during this time.
In addition to sharing at meetings, there are other avenues we can use to express our feelings even if we are alone. Healthy ways to express feelings might include writing in a journal, creating art, focusing on an existing hobby or talking to a therapist. This is a good time to put any pride or ego aside if one is really struggling and reach out for professional help. There is no shame in seeking therapy to work through the grieving process. This can be an extremely overwhelming process and sometimes just putting your feelings into words can make them more manageable.
While this may be difficult if the face of loss, practicing gratitude can be a powerful tool for healing. It involves acknowledging the pain of loss while also recognizing the positive aspects of life. By focusing on the good memories shared with a lost loved one or the support from friends and family, individuals can find comfort amidst their grief. Gratitude helps shift the perspective from what has been lost to what remains, fostering resilience and emotional balance. Simple practices like journaling, expressing thanks to others, and mindful reflection can cultivate gratitude, offering a sense of peace and helping to navigate the complex emotions of loss.
It is also important to take care of ourselves physically while going through the grieving process. Especially during the depression stage when we may lose our appetite, lack the energy to do the basics of self-care or are simply thinking “what is the point.” Make sure to eat nutritious meals, get enough sleep, and exercise as much as possible. Also, activities like yoga, meditation, and deep breathing exercises can also help reduce stress and improve your mood. Even taking long walks can have an amazing impact on our mental and physical health.
Next, in recovery, it’s crucial to avoid situations or people that might trigger the urge to use substances. It might be a close lifelong friend or family member that has been lost and we must interact with people we wouldn’t typically. Those who are not aware of our journeys might think it harmless to offer to go out for a drink to commiserate.
Plan ahead and have a strategy for what to do if temptation arises. I have found that a simple “no thanks” suffices in most situations for people to drop that subject. Have phone numbers on hand for people to call or know where the meetings are around the times you will be with other people.
I would recommend not even going along to a bar or dinner at a place that serves alcohol even if you have the best intentions. Grief can come in waves where one minute we are fine and the next we are not on solid ground mentally. Simply do not be in a situation where the disease can take control.
One other thing that is easy to fall out of while grieving is our daily routines. Having a daily routine can provide a sense of normalcy and structure during a chaotic time. We do not have to be perfect and at times we just may not be able to function well but doing our best we will have a positive impact. Sticking to a routine can help one feel more in control and less overwhelmed.
If we are really struggling with keeping a routine, it is 100% ok to lower expectations of ourselves. Stepping back and setting small, achievable goals is better than doing nothing at all to take care of ourselves. These goals don’t have to be big; they can be as simple as making the bed each morning, going for a walk, or calling a friend. Each small victory can boost confidence and motivation.
Lastly, however you have defined it, now is a good time to lean on one’s higher power. Tapping into spirituality, religion or whatever form our higher power takes can be a source of comfort and strength during times of grief. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, or spending time in nature can bring peace so I think it is important to make it a part of our routine.
Developing Stoic Resilience
The stoics believed in preparing themselves in advance for loss. For example, Marcus Aurelius lost several children during his life. He writes of these losses in Meditations and contemplated the nature of mortality and the acceptance of fate in the face of such tragedies. By journaling and reflecting on the losses, Marcus was able to put these events in perspective and develop an approach to dealing with futures losses that lessened the catastrophic impact.
The stoic practice of amor fati, love of fate, was a key coping mechanism the stoics utilized to deal with loss. Amor fati teaches us to embrace everything that happens in our lives as necessary and part of the greater order of the universe. This includes not just accepting events passively, but actively loving and embracing them as opportunities for growth, learning, and the fulfillment of one’s potential.
Another example of preparing for potential loss comes from Seneca. Seneca recommended practicing poverty three days a month. He did this by dressing moderately, eating sparingly and foregoing all luxuries. He did this to show himself that losing everything and being poor was not the end of the world. He was able to keep any fears of losing material things at bay with this practice. As he reminds us, “It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor. ”
Conclusion
Dealing with loss and grief is never easy, especially when you’re in recovery from substance abuse. However, by using healthy coping strategies and seeking support, you can navigate this difficult time without turning to substances. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Healing is a journey, and you’re not alone.
Resources
American Psychologic Association – Grief
National Institution of Mental Health – Coping with Traumatic Events
Written By Tony Harte
