The Critical Role of Patience in Addiction Recovery

Practicing patience can often feel like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall. We try again and again, only to see the gelatin plop on the floor. Luckily, we are provided plenty of opportunities daily to practice. Being patient in many situations is a virtue and critical to having peace of mind. With the right mindset, we can maintain a healthy perspective and approach situations effectively. Both Stoicism and AA emphasize the value of being patient.

In this article, we will do a deep dive on understanding and practicing patience in recovery. It is not only a critical practice but necessary if we want to protect our sobriety and sanity.

Understanding Impatience: Causes and Triggers 

We know what triggers our impatience, but do we understand the underlying causes of it? Traffic and waiting for someone or something are common triggers, but the underlying causes can stem from a variety of factors. Here are the core drivers:

1. Ego and Control

This was a significant driver for me for the longest time. I wanted to control outcomes and believed that I was the one who had the answers to things that should unfold. When reality doesn’t conform to our expectations, we feel irritated or anxious.

 Epictetus reminds us: “Some things are up to us, and some are not.” Can I tell the difference between the two? If not, this is an area where I can analyze every situation that drives my impatience. When I stop pushing against things that are not up to me, the more peace I will have in life.

2. Fear and Insecurity

Impatience can mask deeper fears:

• Fear of being left behind
• Fear of not having enough time
• Fear of not being good enough

We strive to achieve results quickly to alleviate those anxieties. When we can’t force progress, frustration sets in. Fear drove many of our behaviors in active addiction, and getting sober presents us with a whole new set of worries that we have to develop skills to overcome.

3. Entitlement

A subtle cause is the belief: “I deserve this now.” When we think the world owes us efficiency or smooth progress, we react poorly to delays.

In our world today, social media can be a significant driver of this kind of thinking as we compare our real lives to the highlights or mirages of others’ lives.

 A sense of entitlement may also develop if we have been highly successful at some of our efforts. We get into the habit of winning, only to encounter a challenge that sets us back or requires a new skill set. We may believe, based on our past successes, that we deserve to be successful at whatever we tackle in life.  

4. Unrealistic Expectations

Impatience thrives when expectations don’t match reality. If someone expects healing, change, or mastery in days instead of years, the gap breeds agitation. Again, social media exacerbates this problem in a significant way if we are not engaging with it from a healthy mindset. We often overlook the years of work behind the many “overnight successes” we encounter.

This is common in early recovery—expecting peace or progress too soon—and in a world conditioned by instant gratification. We look around at meetings and see people seemingly living the lives that we want. We believe that we should achieve the same results in 60 or 90 days that others have worked for years to achieve.

5. Lack of Presence (Mindlessness)

When we’re not grounded in the moment, we resist what is—our mind races toward what we want instead. Impatience becomes a byproduct of living in the future. Embracing the current moment slows the mind and softens the urge to rush.

 It is often easier to dwell on the past or the future and become impatient. We remember where we used to be and want to be there again, or we have a future goal where we would rather be impatient with ourselves or other factors than dig in right now and do the work necessary to get there.

6. Perfectionism

Individuals with perfectionistic tendencies often experience a persistent, nagging pressure to achieve, fix, or improve. Waiting feels like failure or inefficiency. Impatience here is less about the delay and more about the perceived connection between self-worth and output or progress.

7. Emotional Dysregulation

Some people struggle to cope with comfortable emotions. We either have never learned the skills to handle uncomfortable emotions or perhaps we have an anxiety disorder or some other psychological condition handicapping us.

 Boredom, frustration, or ambiguity are intolerable, and impatience becomes a coping mechanism to escape those states. We know all about avoiding being uncomfortable, as that is what drove many of us to addiction in the first place. Being impatient can become a different type of coping mechanism. It is less damaging than addiction, but it does do damage to our peace of mind.

8. Cultural Conditioning

We live in a culture that rewards speed, productivity, and results. “Now” is king. Patience is rarely modeled or valued, making impatience feel normal or even necessary. Here is where social media rears its ugly head again. We are also bombarded with advertising at every turn, encouraging us to buy the thing that will give us a quick fix or let us keep up with the Joneses.

The Critical Role of Patience in Addiction Recovery

Early recovery can be especially frustrating, as we are just starting what we hope will be a lifetime journey, and we see all around us what is possible, but we are not there yet. In the worst case, we become so impatient and frustrated with a lack of results that we go out and relapse, thinking it is not worth the effort to stay sober.

 While we may become impatient with other people or circumstances, our initial focus must be on being patient with ourselves. Especially early in sobriety, we may feel like we are not progressing fast enough, we do not understand why we cannot find a paying job, or we get frustrated that people in our lives will not give us a break or trust us. We become impatient and frustrated as we finally do the right things, but we don’t see the results.  

Turning our lives around is a long-term effort that requires a lot of work and, you guessed it, patience.  In a letter dated 1957, Bill W. wrote about patience, saying, “In all these situations, we need to develop patience, and especially for the new member, patience is a vital virtue. Without patience, our efforts to help others can be undone.”

Another of my favorite quotes on patience comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson, who instructs us to “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” Recovery is a lifelong process that should not be rushed. Doing our best is enough, and regardless of our struggles in sobriety, it is a better life than being in the grips of addiction.  

Practical Strategies: How to Cultivate Patience Daily

Regarding developing patience, the Stoic concept of the dichotomy of control and the Serenity Prayer are vital guides. Many situations that cause us to become impatient are beyond our control. Epictetus notes, “We should always be asking ourselves: ‘Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?’ The Stoics urge us to focus on the things that we can control, as does the Serenity Prayer.  

 To simplify the never-ending list of things that can cause us to become impatient, I will address a few large categories, including people, ourselves, situations, and objects. As we investigate these categories, we may employ different strategies when confronted with situations within our control versus those outside of our control. Let’s attack the category where we have the least power—people! 

Cultivating Patience with Others: Empathy & Expectations

 Being patient with others can be incredibly challenging in early recovery as we are already overwhelmed managing ourselves. Unless we become a hermit living in a cave, we will have to deal with people of all sorts. Marcus Aurelius reminds us, “People exist for one another. You can instruct or endure them.” He also notes that if you choose the instruct route, “Convince them not to. If you can. And if not, remember: the capacity for patience was given us for a reason.” 

 A key to developing patience with others is practicing empathy and understanding. Most people we encounter have no idea of what is transpiring in their lives. They may be grieving the loss of a loved one, dealing with health issues, or any number of situations that are contributing to their actions. No one is immune to occasionally taking the low road or acting less than honorably. We are all human and in this together. 

Another critical area is expectation setting. Impatience often stems from unmet expectations of others. When we start feeling impatient, take a little time to assess whether our expectations are reasonable. Recognize that people may have limitations, make mistakes, or operate on different timelines than you do. We are all on our unique journeys, and we need to acknowledge this as we consider our expectations of others.

Lastly, mindfulness is beneficial when dealing with impatience. Mindfulness is simply being present at the moment and paying attention to the emotions we are experiencing. When we are present at the moment and aware of our surroundings and how we are reacting, we can recognize when impatience arises and choose a calmer response instead of reacting impulsively.

 Being mindful and pausing before responding also allows us to ask ourselves, “Why am I being impatient?” Once we understand the source, we can adjust our mindset or expectations to minimize our frustration.  

Practicing Self-Patience: Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

 It can be challenging to identify when we become impatient with ourselves. Impatience with ourselves can be deeply ingrained in our thinking, as it has typically been something we have been doing for a significant portion of our lives. We must take this seriously and learn to be patient with ourselves if we are going to experience fulfilling, long-term sobriety.

 The old French proverb sums it up best – Rome was not built in a day. We have spent immeasurable time and energy in active addiction, and we will have to work equally hard to recover. If we wish to experience the 12 Promises of AA, practicing patience in our lives is critical as we work on the program. 

 Impatience with ourselves typically manifests as negative “self-talk.” We may call ourselves names, berate ourselves in any number of ways, or judge ourselves as failing by comparing our progress to others. Here are a few things that might help lessen this negative self-talk.  

 Mindfulness is particularly helpful for assessing and challenging negative self-talk. With awareness of our thoughts, we can recognize and label them as negative. Our thoughts are often irrational or exaggerated, so the effort is to reframe them into a more positive and accurate form. We can start this reframing by challenging the negative thoughts. 

Challenging thoughts can be accomplished by asking ourselves questions about them. For example, we can ask, “Is this thought true?” or “How would I advise a friend who is having this same thought?” Once we have determined that the thoughts are not accurate, we can move on to making them more useful to us.  

Reframing a thought can be as simple as replacing the thoughts by telling ourselves that we are a work in progress and are doing our best at this moment. We can also find a positive affirmation as a mantra whenever negative thoughts arise.

For example, “I trust the recovery process and know I am on the right path.”  It is also important to remind ourselves that we are all on unique paths to healing, so comparison to others is a poor measure of progress. Lastly, we tend to treat others with more compassion than ourselves, so asking and answering the last question helps us identify a more positive approach to reframing our thoughts.   

Managing Impatience with Situations and External Factors

The last two categories, objects and situations, are more straightforward to deal with. The Stoics remind us that things are either within our control or not. When we try to exert control over things that are not within our control, impatience has an open door to wreak havoc in our thinking.  

 Objects we may become impatient with include:

• Assembling furniture with missing parts
• Having a flat tire
• Something at your home breaking down

These things and many others happen; our only control is how we react to frustrations or inconveniences. My favorite thing to do when these occur is to thank the universe for another opportunity to practice patience and then do the next right thing to remedy the situation. When we are mindful of the problem, we may become creative and find a way to improve the situation if we have any control over it. However, acting rationally is always more helpful than acting out of frustration or impatience.  

 I treat situations similarly. Some situations might include traffic jams, long lines at a government agency, or the person in front of us at the grocery paying for their purchase with loose change. There are times when I am on a schedule or need to complete a task within a specific timeframe, and practicing patience can be especially challenging.  

 Suppose the gratitude for an opportunity to practice patience does not help. In that case, this is an excellent opportunity to recite the Serenity Prayer repeatedly. We can learn to manage impatience effectively with the techniques outlined in this article.

Conclusion: The Lasting Benefits of Patience

Hopefully, it is clear at this point that losing our patience is most damaging to us and rarely yields positive results. Using the tools in this article can help us avoid becoming agitated. When we act out of agitation or impatience, the likelihood of our actions leading to negative consequences for ourselves or others increases.

Unfortunately, untreated impatience can trigger a relapse. Above all else, we need to protect our sobriety. Even if it is not all the good we may want at the time, any good in our lives is there because we are sober. Relapse does not solve anything, regardless of our rationalization for it.

By practicing patience, we ultimately protect our sobriety and significantly improve our quality of life. Being patient is within our control, so let’s muster the courage to make positive changes.

 Reference: The AA Promises

If you are still getting familiar with the promises of AA found in the Big Book, I have included them at the end of the article.  

1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. 
2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. 
3. We will comprehend the word serenity. 
4. We will know peace. 
5. Regardless of how far down the scale we have fallen, we will see how our experience can benefit others. 
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. 
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. 
8. Self-seeking will slip away. 
9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. 
10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. 
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. 
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

Resources

Novant Health – Being More Patient Can Improve Your Mental and Physical Health 

Shoora – Becoming More Patient 

Psychology Today – The Power of Patience