Introduction
Welcome to a guide for working on the 5th Step. Having the courage to complete the 4th Step is certainly cause for a pat on the back. That was a heavy lift in preparing for the rest of the journey. If you’re reading this, you’re probably familiar with the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), or maybe you’re just curious about what this journey entails. Either way, welcome! Today, we’re going to dive into the Fifth Step, which is all about honesty, courage, and connection.
What is the 5th Step?
The Fifth Step in AA is: “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Sounds intense, right?
This step is pivotal as it marks the transition from self-reflection in the 4th step to sharing. It’s about moving from solitary introspection to opening to someone else, and it’s a significant leap toward healing and freedom.
The Stoics believed that going through a difficult task is better than avoiding it or putting it off. Epictetus noted, “The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.” One of the four virtues of stoicism is courage. Taking the 5th step requires mustering the courage to face and admit one’s wrongs.
For this step to be effective, you’ll need to take the fourth step seriously and do the best job you can at this time. If, during your fourth step work, some things were deemed too shameful or insignificant, I would recommend hacking and finishing work on the fourth step.
Why is the 5th Step Important?
First off, let’s talk about why this step matters. Addiction often thrives in secrecy and isolation. By admitting our wrongs to another person, we’re breaking down those walls of secrecy and taking a brave step toward authenticity and connection. This step helps us release the burden of guilt and shame that we’ve been carrying, making room for growth and healing. This is why I encourage the absolute best effort in step four. The more you get out of your brain and out into universe, the more guilt and shame you can shed.
Moreover, the Fifth Step is a powerful antidote to denial. It’s easy to deceive ourselves about the extent of our wrongs, but sharing them with someone else brings clarity and accountability. It’s a way to face reality head-on, which is crucial for recovery. This is not only an antidote to denial, but it applies to relapse as well. Guilt and shame have fueled many a relapse.
How to Approach the Fifth Step
Okay, I am ready. What’s next? Here are some practical tips to help you navigate the Fifth Step:
Find the Right Person
The first thing we want to do is identify the person to share work our 5th step with and ask them if they would be a willing participant. This could be your sponsor, a trusted friend, a therapist, or anyone we feel safe with and can offer non-judgmental support.
I prefer a sponsor who has done 5th step work themselves and with others or a therapist. While a close, trustworthy friend will do, a sponsor or therapist has experience with people going through the sharing with empathy. Having said that, I did not follow that guidance for my first time working this step.
When I took my first 5th step, I was still in treatment (I had a nice long stay as insurance was more generous back in the 80s). The treatment center had a pastor who was really in tune with addiction and did not bring any judgment into his lectures and guidance on the higher power aspects of the program. I chose him to do my 5th step because I felt safe doing so.
He did me a massive favor upfront by telling me there was no way he could tell me anything he had not heard before. All this “bad” stuff has been done before, and I am not unique. Essentially, he told me to get my ego out of the way so we could get on with it. The key is to find someone who will listen with empathy and understanding.
Get Prepared
Next, we need to prepare ourselves to do the work. Reflect on your Fourth Step inventory, where you listed your resentments, fears, and wrongdoings. The fourth step may have been complete for a while before moving on to the fifth. So, take the time to review and understand these aspects of yourself. This self-awareness will make sharing more straightforward and more meaningful.
Lastly, I would like you to prepare yourself mentally. This is the time to be completely honest with yourself and the person you’re sharing with. Don’t hold back or sugarcoat anything. Remember, this step is about embracing vulnerability and truth. The hard work is done. Everything that could be thought of was on paper. You have chosen someone you are most comfortable sharing with. This is the time to muster up the courage to bring all this work home.
Overcome Your Fears
A few feelings that may crop up are resistance to vulnerability, a sense of being overwhelmed, and a fear of judgment. Opening up about our wrongs requires vulnerability, which can be highly uncomfortable. Embrace this discomfort as a sign of growth. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
On this front, Epictetus tells us, “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” The stoics believed in putting aside the ego in all things. They emphasized humility, self-awareness, and overcoming one’s ego to live a virtuous and fulfilling life. This highlights the importance of humility and honesty in the recovery process.
Once again, the emotional intensity of this step can be overwhelming. If you find yourself struggling, take breaks, practice self-care, and reach out for additional support if needed. Lastly, it’s natural to fear being judged, but remember, the person you choose should be someone who offers unconditional support. Remind yourself that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes.
What Happens During the Fifth Step?
An uplifting stoic quote to keep in mind going into the conversation is “First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictetus encourages us to seek the clarity and action needed to act after self-reflection. In the same vein, Marcus Aurelius says, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” If we want to live a sober life, we need to do work. Below are some notes on making the most of the process.
Start the Conversation
Let’s dive into the work. To start the conversation, explain why you’re doing this. This can help remind yourself and the other person of the importance of this step in your recovery journey. Even if you are working with a sponsor who is familiar with the steps, it is still a good way to set the stage for the conversation.
Take Your Time
Take the time you need to share your story. It might be emotionally taxing, so pace yourself and take breaks if necessary. The worst thing one can do is just keep their face buried in their list and rush through reading it.
When you’re ready to share, you might feel a mix of emotions—fear, anxiety, relief, maybe even liberation. That’s completely normal. The important thing is to take your time. There’s no rush. The other person has agreed to take this time, so it is not a burden for them.
While you may feel uncomfortable going through this, the discomfort is a sign that you are getting to the point of the step. Rushing through it without feeling is only robbing oneself of the healing nature of this step.
Honestly and Openly Share Your 4th Step Inventory
Next, you will start sharing your inventory. Here, I recommend making eye contact on and off throughout the conversation. A friendly nod or encouraging word may come from the person who will encourage you that everything is ok and to keep going. Go through the list you made in the Fourth Step. Talk about your resentments, fears, and wrongdoings. As you do this, you might uncover more profound insights about yourself. Allow these realizations to come and acknowledge them.
As you wrap up the conversation, the person you’re sharing with might offer insights or perspectives or simply listen. Their feedback can be incredibly valuable, offering new ways of looking at your experiences and behaviors. As emotions are typically a bit raw at this point, regardless of the nature of the feedback, it is best to simply thank the person for hearing your fourth step and their feedback. Process their feedback later.
The Aftermath of the 5th Step
So, what happens after we’ve completed the Fifth Step? Here’s what we might experience:
This process is likely to bring up strong emotions. Allow yourself to feel them fully. This emotional release is a crucial part of the healing process. Although there may be emotions to process, many people feel a huge weight lifted off their shoulders after sharing their inventory. The act of confession can be incredibly liberating.
A key part of working the fourth and fifth steps is gaining deeper self-awareness. Those who work these steps will likely have a clearer understanding of themselves and their behaviors. This self-awareness is a powerful tool for continued growth and recovery.
Self-awareness is a consistent theme throughout stoicism. Epictetus states, “No man is free who is not master of himself.” The Stoics placed a high value on self-awareness, considering it essential for living a virtuous and fulfilling life. The sooner we start practicing self-awareness in recovery, the better our day-to-day lives can become. It can keep us from saying or doing things that we may need to make amends for later. It can help us more quickly identify behaviors that may lead to relapse.
Final Thoughts
Completing the Fifth Step can boost motivation to continue with the remaining steps. It’s a significant milestone that can inspire you to keep moving forward. It is critical to keep powering through the steps and doing your best. Remember that all this work is an investment in yourself and your sobriety. We spent way more time planning, scheming, and getting wasted than we ever will working these steps thoroughly.
The Fifth Step is a transformative part of the AA journey. It’s about shedding the cloak of secrecy, embracing honesty, and building deeper connections with us and others. While it can be challenging, it’s also incredibly rewarding. By admitting the exact nature of our wrongs, we pave the way for healing, growth, and a more authentic life.
So, take a deep breath, gather your courage, and step into the light of truth. You’ve got this! And remember, you’re not alone on this journey. A whole community of support surrounds you, cheering you on every step of the way.
Resources
AA Twelve Steps – Alcoholics Anonymous
Written By Tony Harte
