Step 8 in Alcoholics Anonymous: A Path to Healing and Accountability
Welcome to Step 8! Hopefully, you got a good start on dropping the rock in Steps 6 and 7. This step marks a significant turning point in the journey toward recovery. It’s where we start to address our past actions’ impact on others, taking responsibility and preparing ourselves for the healing process.
The step reads: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” At first glance, this step seems intimidating or even overwhelming. After all, facing the harm we’ve caused can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, and fear. Experiencing these emotions is normal, and part of the process is essential. Many have already traveled this path and survived; you are not alone in feeling this way.
Remember that we only make a list, so there is nothing too real to fear. Fear has many acronyms, but my favorite is False Evidence Appearing Real. While our ego might fight us doing this step, just like it did in the fourth Step, there is no harm in forcing ourselves to be completely honest. Honesty is not just a virtue; it’s a necessity in this process if we are to continue building resilience in sobriety.
As we navigate Step 8, it’s crucial to lean on the support of our sponsor or other trusted individuals. Just as in Step 4, where we may have been tempted to leave things off our lists, our sponsor is there to guide us. If we find ourselves rationalizing or minimizing our past actions, it’s best to put them on the list. Then, with the help of our sponsor, we can filter the list if needed, ensuring we’re approaching this step with complete honesty and accountability.
Remember, your sponsor is there to support you every step of the way, providing reassurance and guidance. You can trust in their experience and wisdom. The second part of this step is about becoming willing to make it right, preparing ourselves to take the 9th Step. While the word willingness was not used directly in earlier steps, it is a key part of many. Being willing is a critical underlying aspect of moving forward through each step.
Bill Wilson described this transition beautifully: “The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step 8.” Epictetus would remind us, “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” Not only did the Stoics strive constantly to improve themselves, but they also acknowledged that our faults might make us feel vulnerable or exposed. Moving beyond these feelings and accepting our faults is necessary to become a better person. In the context of Step 8, acknowledging the wrongs we’ve done helps us prepare to make amends sincerely.
Why Step 8 Is Important
The 8th isn’t about punishing or shaming ourselves; it’s about acknowledging the past and paving the way for reconciliation. This step lays the groundwork for rebuilding relationships and regaining trust, an essential part of our growth in sobriety. The whole idea behind Steps 1 through 9 is to dump as much baggage as possible. Navigating all the challenges of recovery will become easier if we are not carrying the weight of our past as we continue our journey to become more helpful to others.
Remember, the benefits of the 8th step are immense, and it’s a crucial part of our journey. Step 8 is not just a step; it’s a significant milestone in your recovery journey. While the key to the 8th Step is identifying the people we’ve hurt, it’s about becoming willing to make things right.
Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, emphasized the importance of this step as a process of humility, honesty, and courage. In the book “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions,” he wrote: “We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated from our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves.” This quote underlines that many of our past mistakes stemmed from trying to control everything in our lives, often at the expense of others. Taking Step 8 removes the emotional wreckage caused by our actions, making room for a fresh start.
Making the List: Identifying Those We’ve Harmed
While initially making the list for steps 4 and 8, I spent only a little time on the first pass trying to decide if something belongs. Simply writing down everything that comes to mind is the best approach. Later, look over them in your mind, then get another opinion. Especially the first time working on a step, it is best to have someone who has worked on it double-check our thinking.
The first part of Step 8 is to list all the people we’ve harmed. This can include family members, friends, colleagues, strangers, and even us. When making this list, it’s essential to be thorough and honest. No matter how big or small the harm might seem, every action that caused pain or hurt to others should be included.
While not explicitly mentioned in the literature, I have found it helpful to scan my memory and identify actions taken or words spoken that I feel even the slightest guilt about. This is a good measure of my moral compass. This is by no means the only measure of putting something down on the list, but it helps me take another angle at triggering memories that might be relevant. It might be helpful to reflect on how we’ve hurt others. These can include:
Financial harm: Borrowing money without repaying, stealing, or wasting family finances due to addiction.Emotional harm: Lying, manipulation, neglect, or breaking promises.
Physical harm: Aggressive behavior, violence, or reckless actions.
Social harm: Damaging reputations, gossiping, or creating drama. As we go through this process, it’s important to remember that this list isn’t about wallowing in guilt or shame. Instead, it’s about taking an honest inventory of our actions and becoming willing to make amends to move forward with a clear conscience. This step is meant to be freeing, not burdensome.
Becoming Willing: The Key to Making Amends
The second part of the 8th is about becoming willing to make amends. Developing this willingness can be one of the most challenging aspects because it requires a shift in our mindset. We might feel defensive or even believe that some people don’t deserve our apology.
But as Bill Wilson said: “The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step 8.” This willingness comes from recognizing that making amends isn’t just about the other person – it’s about freeing ourselves from the weight of guilt and resentment. It’s a chance to let go of the past and create space for healing and growth.
One way to develop this willingness is to reflect on the pain we’ve caused and imagine how our actions have affected others. This practice can help us cultivate empathy and a genuine desire to make things right. It might also be helpful to try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes in the situation you are reflecting on. This is not always easy, but making the effort can be helpful. We must remember that there are two sides to every problem.
An easy way to put this in perspective is to imagine two people looking at the same dollar bill. One person looks at the front while the other looks at the back. If each is asked to describe what they see, they will provide a different description, yet it is the same dollar bill they are looking at!
It’s also important to acknowledge that becoming willing is a process; it doesn’t happen overnight. We may have to go through multiple cycles of challenging our thinking and working with others to help us overcome any fears that may be blocking our willingness. We must be patient with ourselves and trust that, with time, our willingness will grow.
If we need additional motivation to become willing, Epictetus will challenge us, asking, “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?” The epic virtue of courage applies to all the steps, but we know some steps are steeper and require more courage. By being willing to make amends, we act with courage and humility, setting ourselves on a path to becoming a better person.
Common Obstacles in working Step 8
The 8th step can be emotionally challenging, and it’s expected to encounter obstacles. Here are some common barriers and how to overcome them:
Fear of Rejection: One of the biggest fears in Step 8 is that the people we’ve harmed won’t accept our amends or might react with anger. While this fear is valid, it’s crucial to remember that the 8th step isn’t about how others respond. It’s about our willingness to make things right, regardless of the outcome.
Resentment: We may still resent those we’ve harmed, believing they contributed to our problems. In these cases, it’s helpful to practice forgiveness, remembering that holding onto anger only keeps us trapped in the past. It is also important to remember that we are cleaning up our side of the street, and our actions are independent of others.
Marcus Aurelius teaches us, “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” This quote reminds us that while we can’t change the past or others’ responses to our efforts, we have control over our willingness to make things right. We gain strength and resilience by focusing on our attitude and readiness to change.
Guilt and Shame: Confronting the harm we’ve caused can bring up intense guilt and shame. However, it’s important to remember that we’re working toward making things right, not punishing ourselves. As Bill Wilson wisely noted: “We need not wallow in excessive remorse. But, we ought to see clearly that we have been at fault.”By facing these challenges head-on, we grow stronger in our recovery and take another step toward freedom from our past.
The Role of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is also crucial in the 8th step—for us and others. While making our list, we might discover that we’ve been holding grudges against people who have hurt us. These resentments can weigh us down and keep us stuck in old thinking patterns. By letting go of these negative feelings, we create room for healing and allow ourselves to move forward.
It’s also essential to extend forgiveness to ourselves. Many of us struggle with unworthiness, believing we’re beyond redemption. However, this step reminds us that we can all change and grow. Our past mistakes do not define us; we’re defined by our willingness to make amends and become better people.
Practical Tips for Working Through Step 8
Seek Guidance: Working with a sponsor or trusted mentor can be incredibly helpful during this step. They can offer support, guidance, and a fresh perspective, helping us see things we might have missed. Bring the topic up in a 12-Step meeting to hear how others have approached and taken the step.
Be Patient: It’s natural to feel overwhelmed or anxious about making amends, but remember that this step is about willingness, not action. Give yourself time to work through your feelings and develop the readiness to make things right.
Stay Honest: Honesty is a cornerstone of the 8th step. Be truthful about the harm you’ve caused and be kind and compassionate. Remember, you’re taking this step to heal, not to beat yourself up.
Take It One Person at a Time: Making a list can feel like a massive task but taking it one person at a time makes it more manageable. Focus on each individual and the harm you’ve caused them, allowing yourself to process your feelings fully.
Conclusion
Step 8 is a pivotal part of the AA journey, offering a path toward healing, accountability, and personal growth. It’s a chance to confront our past actions, develop empathy, and take responsibility for the harm we’ve caused. This step isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial part of the recovery process that helps us break free from the chains of guilt and shame.
As we work through this step, we understand that recovery is about progress, not perfection. Each step forward brings us closer to becoming the person we want to be – a person who is honest, humble, and willing to make things right. By taking this step, we can heal our relationships with others and start to heal our relationships with ourselves. In doing so, we take another significant stride toward lasting sobriety and inner peace. Our willingness to change, make amends, and become a better version of ourselves genuinely transforms the sobriety journey.
Resources:
Step 8 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
Step 8 Audio from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions
Written By Tony Harte
