Introduction
Step 9 builds on the hard work you completed on the 8th Step. Did you feel any relief getting your list made, or did you see the list and start becoming anxious about moving to Step 9? Hopefully, the effort you put into becoming willing to make amends helped with the anxiety a bit. We still know this step is one of recovery’s most challenging yet liberating steps. It reads: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
We have our list and have become willing, so now it’s time to act and make things right. The Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius puts it succinctly: “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” This applies to becoming a good woman as well.
The Stoic philosophers taught us to own our actions and not blame others or external circumstances for our mistakes. Marcus Aurelius often reminded himself that he was responsible for his choices, no matter what happened around him.
By taking the 9th step, we confront our past, acknowledge our mistakes, and actively seek to repair the damage we’ve done. This process is about saying “I’m sorry” and demonstrating our commitment to change through meaningful actions. As Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA, wrote in “Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions” on the 9th Step: “A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fit the bill. We ought to sit down with the family, explain the situation, and make restitution if we can.”
In the quote above, we can substitute the “family” with anyone on our list, and the intent remains the same. These words remind us that making amends is more than just words; it’s about taking responsibility and showing genuine effort to make things right.
The Meaning of Making Amends
Simply put, we do our part to repair the damage we’ve caused to others through our actions, words, or behavior. This involves more than apologizing; it requires us to address the harm we’ve done in a way that helps restore trust and rebuild relationships.
There are two main types:
1. Direct Amends: These involve face-to-face conversations where we acknowledge our wrongdoing and attempt to make things right, such as paying back the money we’ve borrowed, repairing something we’ve broken, or offering sincere apologies for hurtful behavior.
2. Indirect Amends: Sometimes, taking this action isn’t possible or appropriate, such as when it might cause further harm or distress to others. In these cases, we make indirect amends by living differently, showing through our actions that we have changed and are committed to being better.
Sometimes, writing a letter outlining our wrongs is helpful even if we do not send it or symbolically burn it. This can be especially helpful for those close to us who have died before we had a chance to rectify our actions. Living differently is undoubtedly essential but, by itself, can leave our amends feeling incomplete.
Bill Wilson emphasized the importance of being sincere and thoughtful, writing:
“Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence – these qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.”
Why Step 9 Is Important
The 9th is a vital part of the recovery journey because it allows us to clear away the wreckage of the past, freeing us from the guilt, shame, and resentment that have weighed us down. By taking responsibility for our actions, we restore relationships and heal the wounds we’ve caused in others and ourselves.
The Stoic Epictetus focused on learning from errors and seeking to improve one’s character rather than dwelling on guilt or shame. He taught that once we recognize our mistakes, we should work to correct them without excessive self-criticism but with a focus on betterment.
Bill Wilson explained this process beautifully: “The spiritual axiom referred to in the Ninth Step is that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” This is consistent with the stoic concept of “dichotomy of control,” where we acknowledge the only thing we can control is ourselves.
This means that, as we make amends, we understand that our negative emotions and reactions are often rooted in our past behaviors. By addressing these issues in Step 9 and making things right, we free ourselves from guilt and resentment, allowing us to grow in our recovery.
How to Approach Making Amends in Step 9
Making amends can be daunting, but approaching this step with honesty, humility, and a sincere desire to change is crucial. Here are some practical tips for taking this step:
1. Be Honest and Specific: When making amends, we must be clear about the harm we cause. A vague or half-hearted apology won’t suffice. Instead, be specific about our actions, how they affected others, and why we are committed to making things right.
Example: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry for everything,” you could say, “I recognize that my behavior hurt you, and I deeply regret how I treated you. I want to make it right and rebuild our relationship.”
2. Avoid Defensiveness or Excuses: It’s natural to want to defend ourselves or justify our actions, but the 9th step requires us to take full responsibility for the harm we’ve caused. This means listening to others without arguing, making excuses, or blaming others for our behavior.
3. Be Prepared for Any Response: Not everyone will respond positively to your efforts to make things right, and that’s okay. Some people might be angry, hurt, or unwilling to forgive. Just to remind you, the goal of Step 9 is not to receive forgiveness but to take responsibility for your actions. As Bill Wilson put it: “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping.”
4. Act, But Respect Boundaries: In some cases, making direct amends might not be possible or appropriate, especially if it would cause more harm or pain. For example, if our actions would disrupt someone’s life or reopen old wounds, it’s better to focus on making indirect amends by changing your behavior and living a life that reflects your newfound values.
Overcoming Common Obstacles in the 9th Step
Many people struggle with Step 9 because it requires courage, vulnerability, and humility. The Stoic philosopher Seneca reminds us, “He who is brave is free.” Be brave, my friend, as there are definite rewards on the other side of action. Here are some common obstacles and how to overcome them:
1. Fear of Rejection or Anger: It’s normal to fear how others might react to your amends. You might worry they will reject you, become angry, or bring up painful memories. However, remember that Step 9 is about your willingness to make things right, regardless of the outcome. As Bill Wilson wrote: “The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step 9.”
2. Guilt and Shame: Confronting the harm we’ve caused can stir up guilt and shame. It’s essential to remember that Step 9 is not about punishing ourselves but about taking responsibility and making amends in a way that promotes healing. This process transforms our guilt into a positive force for change.
3. Resentment: You might still resent those you’ve hurt or believe they contributed to your problems. It’s crucial to let go of these feelings and approach Step 9 with humility, recognizing that our goal is to make things right, not to assign blame.
The Impact of Making Amends
Completing the 9th Step can be one of the most transformative experiences in the recovery journey. We rebuild trust, restore relationships, and create a sense of inner peace by taking responsibility for our actions and making things right.
For me, the most significant impact of completing Step 9 was releasing guilt and resentment. By addressing the harm we’ve caused, we free ourselves from the heavy burden of guilt and resentment. This allows us to move forward with a lighter heart and a clearer mind.
The healing of relationships is also a key benefit. Although all our 9th step work may not have been well received, some bridges were likely repaired, which opened the path to additional healing. Taking responsibility is the first step toward healing, even if it does not occur immediately. I have experienced poorly received attempts, only to have the person reach out later after processing the encounter and express their appreciation for my actions.
Finally, Step 9 reinforces the principles of honesty, humility, and accountability essential for long-term sobriety. By facing our past and making things right, we build a solid foundation for our continued growth in recovery. The feeling of courage, facing fears, and completing the effort is a considerable reward and confidence builder.
Preparing for Step 10: Continuing the Journey
Step 9 isn’t the end of the process; it’s a stepping stone to ongoing personal growth and recovery. After making amends, we move on to Step 10, where we continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when we’re wrong. This helps us maintain our progress and avoid repeating past mistakes. As Bill Wilson wisely noted: “We must make every effort to maintain this new attitude, for it is only by continually examining ourselves and our motives that we shall avoid slipping back into our old ways.”
Also, as we move forward, it is helpful to remember this bit of wisdom from Marcus Aurelius: “If it is not right, do not do it; if it is not true, do not say it.” If we can practice this diligently when taking our personal inventories, we can keep the clutter to a minimum. By working on Step 10 and heeding Marcus’s advice, we ensure that our positive changes become lasting habits, allowing us to continue growing and evolving in our recovery journey.
Conclusion
Step 9 is a crucial part of Alcoholics Anonymous’s journey. It requires us to face our past with honesty, humility, and courage, making amends to those we’ve harmed and demonstrating our commitment to change. While this step can be challenging, it offers a path to healing, growth, and inner peace.
For the Stoic philosophers, making amends wasn’t a ritualized process but an aspect of living a virtuous life by recognizing errors, taking responsibility, and acting justly moving forward. Their teachings align well with making amends in recovery by focusing on personal growth and striving for a better way of being.
As we work the 9th step, we learn to let go of guilt, shame, and resentment, creating space for forgiveness, understanding, and compassion. This process helps repair our relationships with others and allows us to heal and grow as individuals. Bill Wilson’s words offer a powerful reminder of the importance of Step 9: “The willingness to do this Step entirely separates the men from the boys.”
By taking the 9th, we demonstrate our readiness to embrace a new way of living, free from the burdens of the past. It’s a journey of courage, honesty, and transformation that brings us closer to the person we aspire to be – a person capable of making things right and building a life of integrity, humility, and compassion.
Resources
Making Amends Article – Hazelden
Written By Tony Harte
